Entry log august 29 1984
Happy
birthday to me ! Happy birthday to me , happy birthday , happy birthday , Happy
birthday to me - you old dinosaur. Well
cheers to me , I am now officially an adult , and an old hag. Years passed by
and I hardly felt that I'm now a fully grown Hag errr…. dinosaur errr…. I mean
adult by now. Seriously It never occurred to me that I have now reached that
age and since it's my birthday. I am not going to write anything about politics
or any other worldly affairs in the maritime community and on work , I can
write that on the latter - for now I'm writing on something philosophical ,
something to think about on my life and what I had been through.
For
now despite my advance age , I haven't gone anywhere in life beyond
"settling down" - For now I could say that I'm a full fledge
standalone bachelor. A lot of people at my age (and younger than me) are now
saying that I should live in peace now and settle down , but of course I would
really love that but apparently the situation I had been through in all those
years are somewhat hostile for me to thrive and as a result my progress in life
is has been suffering from "arrested development" . From my overall
observation , I am ten years (give or take) late on what I should had been
doing in life.
Anyway
, for now I am going to write about my love life since I'm already an adult
(and it's my blog anyway )
(MY) Love Story
So
when does love begin ? Some people say that love begins during high school or
maybe even in college , the thing when you're old enough (as in really old) to
handle a connection with someone. Honestly I don’t think love starts at that
period, it starts at an early age. People and society tend to ignore and this
dismiss it entirely as some childhood fantasy , maybe so but perhaps they
always brand this because they never understood it entirely nor even be open in
talking about it.
For
me love starts at an early age. Despite ages have already passed, I still
remember my very first love and her name.
If my memory serves me correct I was in the third grade with her and she
was my seatmate , things didn't exactly progress between me and her other than
being classmates and just friends but it was very obvious that I like her a
lot. Sadly things will never progress any further on the fact that both our
parents hated each other.
The
next love interest I got myself into was in the following year. On fourth grade
, I met her at school and had been good friends since I lend her my notebook
and helped her out on her homework. She has short hair and always wear a
"head band" accessory on her hair. I still remember that her
favourite class subject was science (same as mine) and dreams of being an
astronaut someday (me a scientist) .
The
most awkward moment between me and her was that one day our teacher caught me
day dreaming and staring at her in the class room. Worst part was that the
whole class saw it and instantly figured out I had a crush on her. She was so
embarrassed at that moment that I saw her face flushed red. Sadly me and her
got separated when she moved in on another country (her classmate told me it
was in Australia) at the school years end. I never or never got to confessed to
her my true feelings.
On
the middle fifth grade and sixth grade, My love interest back then didn’t
started out exactly as "friends" . She was basically more like a
school rival or in some ways an opponent classmate, we competed on almost
anything from grades to all the way done on the teachers attention. Turning
point on our rivalry was one day I caught her cheating on one of our exams and
told it to our teacher, I felt terribly sorry on what I did and should have
turned a blind eye on it after that
incident i decided we had to have a heart to heart talk about it.
I
guess little by little we got close to each after that until we became good
friends and in some ways a romantic interest. Our classmates would always tease
us being a couple. We were both happy at that time. I guess the mistake I made
during those happy times was I should have decided to stayed with her all the
way till high school. It was a big mistake for me to swap her with my ambition
to join some elite high school during those times, a mistake that up to now i
regret and had to live with. I still remember that day she asked me if I'm
going to stay on our school and join her in high school, I said that I'd be
changing schools for high school.
High
school was a very turbulent time for me and was constantly plagued with
problems both back home and at school. It was for the best that I shut myself
out and my heart from all those problems, I fell in love I guess on the last
parts of my high school years and it was all by accident. Never imagine her to
be my dream gal at all, actually I just treated her as an "Assigned"
(or arranged) prom partner, since proms here in the Philippines get
"assigned" and not exactly invited or asked out like in western
countries, yes I fell in love with her inadvertently . Anyway I had got no option in backing out
probably because of school pressure from our school advisor (teacher) , I back
out - my reputation will terribly suffer and my grades are already falling
apart back then , I had no other choice but to accept - reluctantly. Prom day
came and wasn't really looking forward to it, but the thing to make me have a
change of heart was that she was nice to me throughout the prom, took me by
surprise and normally didn't expected to be treated nice.
It
was a very romantic relationship ,though officially we never declared to be
boyfriend and girlfriend. It lasted until my early years in college, but like
any other sad ending in a relationship - we separated ways due to major
difference on how we view our relationship.
I
guess that will be the last time that I really feel in love head over heels
with someone.
Over
the course of the years my romantic love live fell dark and silent because , I
was kept busy and left rebuilding my life on the aftermath of a series of
domestic problems. Things were so bad back then that I had to set aside
everything and focus on picking up the pieces reconstructing on what's left of
my life, it was not even certain that I would finish high school or even reach
college at all.
I
got my hands full on those hard years focusing on necessity and survival, there
is absolutely zero time and monetary budget to even create and maintain a love
relationship. This hardship dragged on until I was back in college some years
after. Although I was practically afloat , funding on my college could not
sustain any romantic relationships.
For
me the Filipino society is backward when it comes to love compared to other
Asian countries, probably too conservative in the wrong sense. Anyway I don’t
exactly think that love starts somewhere on college or beyond it, and don’t
really believe in being too young to fall in love like most adult always say.
For me they're saying that because they're so full of hypocrisy and never get
to understand young people. Filipino Society is very judgemental on that fact,
and very medieval.
I
haven't found her yet , and maybe there's a possibility that I never will. But
to find the meaning of existence is to be that something is out there meant for
me and I won't stop losing hope that maybe I will encounter her someday.
