DISTRESS SITUATION BACK HOME

July 04, 2014 Amsterdam Port Netherlands

I shouldn't be writing this and shouldn't be dragging my personal problems on this journal , but how else am I going to record my thoughts ? . These past few days for me have been difficult for me not on my professional life but on my personal one. News have reached me when I called my sister over the phone that our mom is in bad shape soon after I left, I have no details on what exactly happened but it seems that our mom is in the hospital and her condition is getting worse - she is now undergoing dialysis to save her life. Based on what my sister told me , one day Aunt Tess just found mom unconscious when she visited our house and she immediately rushed our mom to the hospital. She contacted my sister on latter and informed her of the situation.

Mom Medical Bill for the moment

When my sister went to the hospital to check mom, she discovered that mom's kidney disease has progress in an advance stage and it is imperative that she undergoes dialysis. Aside from the kidney failure, it was also discovered that mom has other complications related to her diabetes or resulting from kidney failure or combinations of both. A few to mention was her heart condition as well as lungs , doctors tell that they're not exactly sure if our mom's heart can take all the beating from the continued dialysis in the long run plus her lungs is filled with liquid (probably from infection). On mom's kidneys alone the doctors tell that its already in decaying condition, It's not determined on what will be the fate of it.

To simply say it Mom's has already multiple organ failures , and currently now threading on the thin line of life and death. The thing that frustrates me most on this situation is that , I'm very much helpless and couldn't do anything. I'm stuck here on this ship for the next 5 and a half months just helplessly watch on what is happening back home and hear the news on what my sister's efforts are doing. Frustration creeps me up in the sense that I feel powerless over what is happening and I'm worried sick about it.

I guess this is the problems in having a job as a sailor, its either were incredibly brave or incredibly nuts - I should have fully realized that while I'm gone the implications will be that the possibility that everyone and everything I knew and care of will either be gone, dead or buried. An implication that I should have taken very seriously.

Emotions and memories of my mom overflow my head right now, remembering a few days before I left that she was crying on her bed , saying to herself what will happen to her if we ran out of money ? What will be her fate ? Really breaks my heart seeing her like that. She was badly ill on her bed and crying , she really wanted to go to the hospital at that time but due to financial difficulties at that time it held her from doing so. She felt that if we used the money, dad won't be have the operation for his bones. Really breaks my heart seeing my mom on that kind of state.

Now things have gotten far worse - way worse than it was since mom's kidney disease was found out two years ago on November 2012 , Things will never going to be the same for my mom. Dialysis is never a cure just only a remedy to buy more time and stall the inevitable.

July 14, 2014 Monday.

It's been days and I haven't heard of any news on what is happening back home to my mom. It was a big mistake for me to use all my credits in the internet connection for a long distance call, Now I'm stuck here blind and helpless not knowing what's going on in the house - Another big mistake I made is that I shouldn't have bought a new USB modem dongle if I knew earlier that my old Smart Bro USB modem dongle wp cards for the internet (as well as International calls). Big fatal mistakes that I had to live with for the rest of my life. My mind as of the moment is floating ,orks here as well. I could have saved 80 USD money to buy at least top u thinking and wishing that somehow someway my sister has manage to keep our mom safe and alive, and that mom has made it out on the hospital. I had to get any form of communication whenever, where ever I can .

My Personal life really affects me, I'm a family oriented guy and seeing an immediate relative in trouble really bothers me a lot. I still continue my usual daily work but things appear to me to be very empty and void , couldn't think straight and sleep as well.

Last known Picture of my mom take this 1st week july 2014, as pictured she is all strapped down in a dialysis machine (left side) and incision on her neck is shown on where the tubing is connected