UNINTERESTING NEW YEAR

"Your born , you live and you die, you cannot undo all this. No second chances to make things right if you Fuck up the first time - not in this lifetime anyway" "like i said you make your own choice and you live with them and in the end you are those choices"

All is well for now at the turn of the year 2020, but to my disappointment the new year's celebration here on this ship is desolate and empty compared on last year with TCC. Probably because of too much "budget constrictions" this principal has to impose , it's hindering so much that provisions itself were a problem. Aside from that problem , the adding factor is that the crew here are fractious and had no sense of unity. In any case although New year's eve celebration was dismaying , I'm hopeful that new year would be grand and fun on another ship and definitely not "Hartree" principal nor any of their ships.

As far as I can tell this experiment contract I went on "Hartree" is a big failure. Both in their crew welfare , and working environment. Pretty obvious that this will be the first and last contract I will have with them, no more other contracts slated for "hartree" or any of their ships and I will not even dare venture again on another VLCC kind of ship. For me I'd stick with the aframax type and below (better if not best if it’s a panama sized) .

Believe it or not New year's Eve here was spent on work and being on "standby" ., because of vetting inspections. 

(Incidentally this is also my 401st entry on my blog journal)

YOU ARE (NOT) RELIABLE

Had been doing routine jobs for a couple of days now at the Pump room along with O.S. Dalida. Recently I had been left doing jobs only to assist him after the "incident". I don’t mind tagging along with O.S. dalida up to now as this is the only option available after , as I have been refused to be given job orders from Bosun / Pump man Carnaje a couple of weeks ago. He acted like he's some sort of POEA and harshly dismissed and locked me out in doing work. Out of luck , chief mate "merk" decided that I could get jobs orders directly from him rather than getting it from Pumpman Carnaje.

This is the best solution - for now.

Unfortunately for me , this is just a temporarily solution and that as soon as Chiefmate "merk" will disembark and finishes his contract , I will be left out with the big question on whom will I get "Job Orders" after. (Although as much as I want Chief officer "Merk" to be gone soon, given that he's some sort of close to Pumpman Carnaje and also talks against me behind my back and cannot be trusted. The only reason I'm cooperating with him was because of practicality). So probably the rest of this winter season will be left for me to figure out, the whole 4 to 5 months left. So it’s a big uncertainty for me when we goes out (thought much to my liking).

In other news …

South Korea's weather is close to zero now , and can't go anywhere outside without some sort of protection from the cold weather like a winter jacket or putting on sweater inside before wearing my coveralls. Good thing for me, I always come pretty equip (and in some extent far more equip than the standard issued equipment by the ship / principal)

Work has been , for now been light . I just tagged along with O.S. Dalida in removing water on the bottom floor of the Pump room and aside from that just washing and removing Oil Carbon stains on the aft deck. Lately we just took out the mooring loose rope out of their stowage and just put in the deck area for later use.

Based on what I heard , this ship will be making a discharge operation by exactly new year's day and that by Monday early morning this ship will move to the inner anchorage (and drop anchor there until further notice) and from there will conduct a vetting inspection first. After the vetting inspection finishes, then it heaves up anchor then proceeds directly on the berthing via SBM.

On Sunday , and I was latter informed by A.B. "Chris" that we will go out for work at 1pm. I was in disbelief at first and wanted to verify this information to O.S. Dalida, but to my surprise he too was unaware of this and even asked that if this is true then I should give him a call and inform him immediately . Honestly I was expecting that he should be the one to know this info first and that it was the other way around, anyway I guess it's foolish of me to even depend on other people knowing that they themselves have limitation.

To be blunt, O.S. Dalida is not that reliable as what I initially thought, however despite of this - it's better than nothing or going alone blinded on what to do. O.S. Dalida is still a big help and trustworthy , although not to the point of the "no secrets" category. Basically if I would look at it , my cooperation with O.S. Dalida looks more of like an "alliance"  rather than a treaty of "amity". For now this my situation and have no other choice, I have to figure out a way on how to at least last and make it for the next 5 to 6 months.    

ACCUSATIONS

On the night of Christmas day , a Phone call rang to my cabin when answered , its was O.S. Dalida and he says the he wants to discuss something that he can't discuss with over the phone in regards with the sudden change of behavior of Pump man Carnaje, and something to do with the Filipino chief officer Merk.

At midnight he knocked to my cabin and I let him in. Inside he said he overheard Merk blabber at the dinner table , speaking bisaya furiously (local ethnic dialect in the philippines) that Chief officer Merk was furious over some reports he received that some sort of complaint has reached the main office of OSM regarding the incident about me and Pump man Carnaje and that the report included (or added) 2 O.S. we're allegedly being treated badly (maltreatment). O.S. Dalida added that they suspect me ,that I'm the one behind the said report.

I told O.S. Dalida , that if ever what he overheard was true, I had nothing to do behind it and someone else made the said report. Although it was my plan to make a complaint and report it to the OSM Office later on, I didn’t proceed on it until I can guarantee and have reached the safety of the Philippines, which unfortunately will not happen at least until May 2020 or June 2020 or speaking easily 6 months away at least. I added that I specifically told my sister that no action will be taken until I reached the Philippines in fear that there's a possibility of retribution and revenge will soon be followed while I'm onboard.  At least if I made the report in the Philippines, there's no possibility that retribution can be made on their side.  

Whatever the case and whoever made the report , did not consider that factor and was probably brainless in making one. Assuming what O.S. dalida said was true, it’s a probability that I'm not the only one who has a grudge with them and whoever it is has direct access to the OSM Office. As far as I know , the only person who has a Grudge with Chief mate Merk is the Indian Chief engineer and exactly fits my bill of suspicion, but like I said its only suspicion - nothing solid.

Anyway I told O.S. Dalida, that I'm not the one and whoever it is , its definitely not me, I didn’t further tell him that about the incident merk and the chief engineer had a heated argument which the captain and another chief mate saw publicly . I didn’t tell him for security reasons.

For now, because of this so called report. I'm obviously getting spooked again and will have to take extra measures for my safety, it is apparent that they will target me because of this suspicions. It’s a shame that Filipino's do this to other Filipino's onboard and there's a saying that there is no greater enemy of a Filipino but a Filipino itself. 

THE UNTHINKABLE

As the hours tick by on Christmas eve, December 2019. The familiar dress up photos and Christmas dinner I had been doing yearly commenced, Such celebrations had been tradition for years and some of it have even taken place during times on ships that had I enemies with(or people im at war with) . But as hours went by , it was etched on my face that my situation could not be won.,

It is imminent, that this work "tour" would be a disaster for me later on and that I had to be calm and keep a façade all the time just to avoid any more trouble. Across the workplace, it was always a cat and mouse kind of scenario. Pump man Carnaje would become the cat and I the mouse. Always dodging and avoiding , and if often times unavoidable and no options available - I just simply ignore him as if he wasn’t there. It was always a tense presence whenever he is around.

Aside from having Enemies around., My stay here is complicated on the fact that  working policies here are very limiting and that crew welfare policies is not suitable. For the first time ever I think it will be a possibility that I will go empty handed when I return back to the Philippines. Main culprit to this is there is the "No Cash advance" policy here of any kind.  

CHANGING OF RULES

Things might have turned for the worse here, (at least work wise) apparently , there's a rumor I heard during breakfast which O.S. Alvin and A.B. Jun are talking about. From what I overheard is that Saturday and Sunday work schedules will be changed., Saturday will be apparently be a whole work while Sunday will be at least half days work schedules. If this rumor will be true then this ship will be rendered to a "every day Monday" schedule., for short working hours will be long and the whole contract will be uncomfortable.

Of course this rumor I heard is still yet to be confirmed and I will find out later within the week if this is the case, If it does , then the next move I should make is what step will I be doing to adapt for it.

A.B. Jun and O.S. Alvin , while hearing this jokingly said that "my rest days will be screwed" . They also added to the joke that there might be "overtime pay" for it. As for me I just kept quiet and hid my thought just inside my head, its safe that way. Just hid in the "shadows"

Personally I dislike the system "every day Monday" work schedules, In fact if I recall correctly this actually violates MLC regulations specifically the part on the clause "every seafarers should have at least one whole day rest" . Besides that , I had a previous experience before on a ship that practices this and it turns out to be a very uncomfortable experience - workwise. As for the fools who think that there will be overtime pay for it , then they should know better that it doesn’t mean that we will be working more, means also that they are also (principal and company) paying more. The fools didn’t realize that the clause and part of the contract that states "Guaranteed Overtime Pay" (G.O.T. for short) , which meant that they could let us work on a certain amount of extend time, Whether that certain amount of time is used up or not , Company will pay for it.  Its very similar to the policy "I'd pay you a little extra for an unlimited amount of overtime work".

Anyway just to avoid disagreements , I shall remain to keep my mouth shut and whatever my thoughts , feeling and opinions on a certain situation, it is best it would just be inside my head and It would be best on this ship that I have to keep my mouth shut at all times., Those fools ! They have no idea on what will happen if the "every day Monday" get established here.

My General impression of this principal get soiled as time goes by ., Their work policies get fouler and fouler each day I stay here , and as far as I'm concerned they have already violated the rules on cash advance. I had been here for more than two months now and going on to three months by January 15th and yet they haven't made any single step or effort to pay onboard wages. On this hardship situations it makes me think that I should have stayed on my previous principal TCC and that I just simply swapped an even worse principal than my previous one.

As far as I'm concerned this is my first and last contract on this so called "Hunter" principal of OSM., I'm better off being in TCC than this, Just finishing this contract and I'm out of here for good.

In other news

Id stop drinking cola for now because caffeine worsen my anxiety

Due to security concerns, and probably my paranoia that someone here on this ship might one day violate my privacy and read this journal, I have now put a password protection to keep it safe. Like I said always that’s my situation right now, I cannot risk my own personal safety especially to the likes of this people onboard., I don’t want to regret that one day I would say to myself "I should have put on a password protected journal" . So for my assurance this section of my journal cannot be accessed without a password from my computer.

In relation to this O.S. Dalida just recently uncovered my "hentai" collection on the hard drive he borrowed from me. For now I have to hide those files for security reasons in fear that they might be used against me , or in my case O.S. dalida might suspect that I'm not exactly trusting him 100 percent. As what I mentioned on my previous post that its dangerous to be too trusting to people here onboard, especially if its known that most if not all of them a bunch of gossipers who leak information every now and themn . 

I had to assure that these files will not be used against me , or be used as ammo by my enemies against me. 

In other news

O.S. Dalida said during his visit on my cabin , that Pump man Carnaje is showing signs of change and based on his observation has become "nicer" . I said to O.S. Dalida that it might just a façade for something. I added that as far as I know a person who's been a dick for the past 20 years will not change overnight. The only possible explanation to his observation are only two possible scenarios.

Scenario one is that he may be planning (or plotting) something big, I cannot tell what is his intention but he may be planning something and for now could not just simply figure it out.

Scenario two is that he may be laying low for a while given that at the moment , the superintendent is here onboard conducting his job, any disturbance or aggression made on his behalf will definitely reflect badly on him ., So to avoid this ,. He decided to be "off the radar" for a while until the superintendent disembarks, after that he's going to resume to his old habits of being a cancer to society  .

One thing I learned in all these years as a Filipino seafarer is that "there can be no action , if there is no cause" ., and that he's sudden change of behavior is no coincidence. There's always an overall reason to it. And lastly the thing I learned as a seafarer is NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN., because if you do - you'd definitely regrets it and DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ENEMY.

SERIES OF SETBACKS

Things go on naturally ., but for me I'm upset because a series of my plans of the situation did not go well. First and foremost, My plan to make a police blotter and report about the "incident" doesn’t go as I planned to be and sad to say that , making one is impossible right now due to technicalities and probably incompetence on my sisters part. So defending myself or lodging a formal complaint against Pumpman Carnaje on OSM Manila office is now impossible because of Incompetence. I'm not going to go thru the details on why it failed because recalling them and writing it here upsets me a lot, all because my sisters incompetence.

So what's going to happen is when if this issue gets brought up about the incident, at the OSM Manila - I have no way of defending myself or showing proof about Pump man Carnaje's lashing out and physically hitting me .  I would just end up being a sitting duck helpless. Aside from that my complain against him would be rendered useless because I have no proof and it would only show that "I have malicious" intent rather than seeking justice on what happened to me.    

Another setback I had been experiencing lately is my allegiance with O.S. Dalida., it's true that he's somewhat sympathetic on my situation, however despite this , he's apparently reckless on mentioning sensitive topics and details in public even though we already talked that those topics and issues can only be discussed in privacy and closed doors to prevent leakage of information. There is even one occasion that I have to tell him to drop the subject of our discussion because Pump man Carnaje and O.S. Alvin is nearby and might hear our discussion. He's not leaking information but his statements and joke in public would hint and even imply on my intentions and sensitive detail. It’s really a risk .

I do trust him for being sympathetic , but not enough for me to divulge sensitive information that it will put me at risk. So for now I won't mention sensitive details and just stick on the general idea on what he already knows. I've already risked myself too much . 

In other news.

This morning at work I was approached discreetly by O.S. Alvin near the entrance of the upper deck accommodation area and urged that I should apologize to Pump man Carnaje to end it ., I didn’t said a word and kept quiet on what O.S. Alvin is saying and just let him talk. Personally I'm not interested in his urging and suggestion, and it would be best just to keep quiet , and don’t mutter anything , or even answer their questions - aside from that they'd have a hard time figuring out what's inside my head. Its best I speak less just to get me out from harm's way especially to these kind of folks.  I just deflected and avoided his urging and simply changed the matter of subject we were talking.

For me it’s a foolish decision to make an apology, and apologies for what ? For him giving me insults , intimidations , bullying and harassment ?? I don’t think I should apologizes on that for that matter for just simply standing up on his bullying and harassment, I stood up and even got Physically harmed in the process by smacking my head. So if Alvin thinks I'm the one who should be giving an apology to Pumpman Carnaje , then he's gravely mistaken. I'd rather spent the days of my contract not speaking and ignoring him rather than bow down to his ego, it would only make me weak and not only that a laughing stock on my cause.

Peace is always ideal for a good working relation on the during of this contract, However if peace means being a "booth licker" and bowing down against to what I believe in, then id rather have a divided workplace, it's better that way . As long as I don’t cause trouble or get it a little worse

PLAN ISOLATION

Things have calmed down for now , but the question is how long ? As of the moment I have went on to my old tactics of "Isolation" a tactic which I applied way back during my earlier years as a seafarer. A defensive tactic I used during conflict. To say It,  first and foremost this  "Isolation" tactic is a defensive tactic and from the word itself , I have to be isolated as much as possible to any potential aggressor (on my case , Pump man Carnaje). Basically my cabin will be the all in one working space now, Similar to a jail cell in some respect on tactics, or if I put in on my way - a safe zone or fortress.  

Honestly I'm not so sure now if this tactic is 100 percent effective , given that I had used it before on different occasion with a variety of results and used only as a test (and the only actual "conflict" used being way back in 2010 and 2013) . For now I have to implement this yet again because of the ever increased and dangerous threat by Pump man Carnaje. As of the moment on my analysis he won't make any advancing threats , given that two superintendents have boarded this vessel and are conducting their usual audit and work . He's not too stupid to expose himself if the authorities are around , he'd definitely lay low for a couple of days until the superintendents disembarked.  And when they do , this "plague" will once again do wreak havoc onboard like cancer.

During the day , I do my usual work and but always after that , I'm always inside my cabin and never venture outside unless it's absolutely necessary and for a very good reason. Even on coffee breaks , I just basically go back to my cabin and dress up for my next work, never taking a break even if I wanted to because of security risk. As a matter of fact the only instance I'm outside my cabin is on work , and doing my laundry , and of course during meal time. I'm not outside longer than just a few minutes for security. Aside from that to prevent any leaked of information, I have to be really careful on which words I speak and choose my words extra carefully ., because I never knew who exactly are my enemies (aside from Pump man Carnaje).  I can't be careless especially during this time , one wrong move could be my last and will result into another nasty confrontation.

I suspect that my enemies here are not only limited to one person. I suspect the Filipino chief mate , deck cadet and practically more than half of the entire deck crew.

PARANOIA AND ANXIETY

It's been several days past since the "incident" happened and most of the deck crew (or the entire deck crew) think I'm the bad guy. In fact the treatment I had been receiving had changed overnight , that people here look at me with utter hostility., I don’t blame them nor even had malaise on why they had to treat me differently, I had already expected this to happened when I started my hostilities with Pump man Romy Carnaje.

I did what I had to do just to show that I cannot be bullied or harassed onboard., even if it results in me being Physically hit and being framed as the bad guy. After all that's Pump man Romy Carnaje's specialty - full of foul poisonous words , typical of Filipino seafarer's of the old .

The only guy on my side at the moment is O.S. Gener Dalida , who is somehow sympathetic to my cause , but sometimes he acts very erratic and cunning that I sometimes wonder and doubt on what side he is. For the safe bet and my safety I have to withhold some information, until I can really determine on which side he is. For now I also need to be very careful on my words,  I cannot afford to make any mistake on this situation , too much is at risk, like losing my life, or the thought of being murdered onboard by any one of the crew member especially if Pump man Carnaje keeps bragging behind my back at the crew mess , when I'm not around that he will one day plan to murder me when we get back in the Philippines (death threats).

This death threats really add more paranoia and anxiety to my mental health, knowing full well on how rotten seafarers are especially Filipino seafarers. The paranoia and anxiety I'm experiencing is really severe that I'm solidly believing that someone out there is out to get me. As a result ., I'm just basically confined on my cabin almost all the time ., and are just out when I'm working , going for breakfast , lunch or dinner. Even on coffee breaks I don’t go out for fear of my safety., I just basically sit my ass inside the cabin out of fear. I never even leave my cabin unlocked , it's always lock because of paranoia of sabotage .

The only thing I can solidy trust as of this moment is this journal and my sister who is way back in the Philippines. Anything else is questionable and I simply cannot take that risk , the risk is simply too great. I'd Manage ,

I HAVE TO MANAGE , I don’t plan on dying here and be murdered by some rotten filipino seaman

WITHOUT A TRACE

For years I had been following the exploits of a maritime seafarers rights advocate ""Evangeline dela cruz Tobias" . Her bravery and dedication in the advocacy of fighting for Filipino seafarers rights. Sadly it seems that some Filipino seafarers do not  understand at all on her cause and instead prefer that the seafarers welfare be just regressed back to the way it was during the 80's and 70's , were things on that job were horrible and Filipino seafarers back then are mere cut throat criminals (and some "remanants" of those sailors still exist up till today).

As of yesterday December 17, 2019 . Her profile "Vanished" and any other means to locate her in social media have gone cold, she simply erased or deactivated everything. A month before this she said on her social media that "she will be making major changes", and would rather be an "animal rights" activist instead . I'm not exactly figuring out what it was , but I bet her "vanishment" in the social media means that she doesn’t want to be found .

Maybe its best that she disappear and would find an interest on somewhere else., and I can't blame her if it's what she did. The whole maritime seafaring industry is rotten to begin with , and there's a lot of bad people - not awful but really bad people. I understand her despair on her leaving and perhaps that the maritime seafaring industry should be left to self-destruct itself.  Let that sector or community rot for its wickedness, Evil people there are beyond any kind of redemption as far as I can tell and I saw it first-hand. The only difference from them to criminals is that criminals are bounded and sent to prison by Philippine law , compared to seafarers that are just simple sent back to their home country and then goes back again on their assigned ships to wreak havoc and spread torment like cancer.

I do understand very well the frustration "Vangie" encounters in handling Filipino seafarers. And she was really under appreciated by seafarers. I hope that where ever she is she has finally made (and found) peace on that new vocation.

WITHIN THE FURIOUS WATERS

November 22, 2019

Unexpectedly "Alok" The Indian O.S. was called in the afternoon at the ships office over some reason regarding medical test . It took only a few minutes and went down and he revealed that he would be dismissed summarily because his drug and alcohol test showed signs of possible marijuana intake. The bottom line he told to us that he "will be sent home on next port" .

Immediately the next day , he wasn't even allowed to go to work and was told that he will be just confined on his cabin , kind of like "house arrest". Aside from that , the worst is that rumors immediately started like wild fire, and given the nature of us Filipino's being gossipers who can't keep their mouths shut - fuelled more of the rumor and spread it like a plague. I guess that's worst thing in working onboard a ship - utter no privacy of any kind whatsoever.

Whether or not the rumors are true , I think it’s a person's privacy and nobody has a right to gossip against him and spread the rumor like wild fire - but I guess this is the environment here as a seafarer , people here are always treated unfairly and it would be foolish to let your guard down and discuss personal information or even personal details (especially on personal matters) knowing full well what kind of people we work here.

I writing about this because , It's not right to treat a person that way. The companies action was very swift and brutal and without any fair judgment, and the reaction of us Filipino's against that person was equally so, it's not fair to spread and make gossips about him, this is something I really despise to my own kind and on this job , people here have utter no good manners and I wonder if this people have a sense of humanity with them,.

Poor guy was confined on his quarters for the whole week before he was sent home. He disembarked in fujirah , UAE.

In other news..

Now that the old captain has disembarked (along with the indian O.S.)and replaced by the new Russian one . Things here have started to get lax, No more of restraining ourselves on not drinking juice in the ref , nor going to the crew late on dinner time etc. We can now easily do our job better when he's no longer around - good riddance !!!

Back when he was still around here, things were tense and we have to be careful and meticulous on about almost everything we do. Even had to watch  breakfast, lunch or dinner because he always monitors us and see how much food we end up eating. The way he acts feels more like he's the human version of a CCTV camera - very control freak kind of individual. He even take's coffee break at the same time as our coffee break , just to monitor people. (and using it as a ruse). It’s a good thing that one of the crew here (pump man) have already sailed with him before and warned us about the old captains deception.  He was basically a general threat here.

Now that he's gone and disembarked in fuijrah UAE. All of the crew won't have to worry about him anymore being a pest